Sometimes I’m an idiot. Sometimes I fall into an internet hole, late at night, when the music is just right. I go looking for him, only to be devastated that he isn’t there. He wouldn’t be. Or if he is, he is so hidden. So carefully hidden.
But does he ever pull me up to see what has become of the younger soul mate? To spy into my life? I’m so easy to find. I don’t hide.
The most likely option is he just doesn’t care. And that’s ok. Because once in a great while I fall down the hole, but I dig myself back out and go on with my life.
And get one step closer to finally - finally - letting go.
Most of the time I feel like I don’t get to complain about how tired I am. How exhausted and weak I’ve allowed myself to become.
Everyone around me has two jobs or has worked for weeks (or months) on end without a break, but these 6 day work weeks are destroying me. I can’t keep up with them anymore.
But everyone around me seems to work harder, do more, go longer than I have to, so it feels like I’m not allowed to whine or express my own exhaustion. It couldn’t possibly hold up to theirs, so best keep my mouth shut.
I’m a mother to two toddlers, a wife, a writer, I have a job that runs me ragged and puts an immense amount of strain on my body. I don’t sleep well, eat well, care for my skin or muscles. I’ve just moved states, I have no outside-of-work friends, I miss my pals back home, my family, my mom (who inadvertently makes me feel so guilty for taking her grand kids so far away). For 6 days a week I have no way to leave my home except to work. When I get home it’s to a sleeping family. My brain doesn’t shut itself off, going between characters in a story I long to, but seem unable, to write and irrational fears over the well being of my family/anxiety of just how spectacularly I’m going to fail them and myself.
All of this boils down to the fact that I’m so fucking tired and worn.
But for some reason, it doesn’t compare to how much others do. So I can’t possibly be as exhausted as them. So just shut up, Maggi, no one wants to hear it.